CW: Gaslighting, Abusive Phrases

Every night, I write a sort of rambling journal to Sir in order to clear my head. A message right before saying goodnight to get things out. Thoughts I might have. Goals that I want to accomplish. Things that I am proud that I did that day. It is always different depending on my headspace.

One night, in particular, I had a very deep bit of thought. One that I felt I needed to share. Because as a survivor of abusive relationships. You have to see that things do and will get better. The words I wrote, was just that. They are vulnerable and raw. Only edited to hide names and places.

No One Else

Sometimes I have an epiphany at the oddest time, tonight was while I was getting my bed settled for me to sleep in. The thought creeping into my head. Words that often got thrown at me of ‘no one will ever love you like they did’ and all that. Words that kept me from escaping sooner from there. The ‘only I know you’ ‘only I can handle how you are’ all of that. But the strongest ones always started with ‘no one else will ever…’

And they are right. No one else will ever love me like that. Love that became something to fear. That hurt to talk about and made me tell lies about because the truth of it was scary. Love that kept me sleeping on the couch for almost a year. Not in the bed that I bought with my own money. No one else will ever make me feel that way. Because I won’t let it happen. And neither will the people who love me.

There are days I remember that mom nearly convinced me when I found out I was pregnant that we could just move up there and they would help. That I could marry him…and I am so glad I took that first step to not listening to her for once in my life. Because I am fairly certain that the timeline in which I do. I don’t survive. But this one I do. This one I am living a life that makes me so happy. Because no one else loves me like that. You all love me in wonderfully different ways that make me smile every day.

Getting Better

Every day I am getting better from my past. Relearning so much when it comes to love. How it feels to me. How I show it. Having to relearn phrases and actions taken by my partners. I am grateful every day for them. How they love me as I say is wonderful. Because they support the paths that I am taking to heal. They show me how I have changed so much in what feels like such a short time.

For a long time, I did think that I would never get better. That the words would always hold me back. But now I am able to fight back against it. Because the love I have in my life is stronger than my fear of the past. There are still words and phrases that are hard to hear. But inch by inch, I am taking them back and overcoming them. Taking back one’s life is part of taking back one’s pleasure.